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11
Apr
A new angel being shown round heaven. Once inside the gates the angel was led down a corridor, which had doors in it labelled with the world’s various religions and sects. The first couple of doors were passed-by without issue, but then there was a door behind which there was a loud noise coming from inside. I don’t now remember if it was the Shia Muslims or the Roman Catholics or some other group, but the angel paused and asked why this room was so noisy. “Oh”, said the guide, “they are having a huge party in there because they believe they are the only ones up here”.
3
Apr
A commuter in Dublin saw a man sitting beside the Liffey each morning as he went to work on the bus. One nice day he was early and got off the bus to walk the rest of the way. This man had somehow always intrigued him, so as he was about to walk past, he stopped and greeted the man telling he saw him every day and he wondered if he did anything to do with the river and how he put in his time there. The man looked up and answered: “Well some of the time I sits and thinks. But most of the time I just sits”.
20
Mar
During our whole childhood, Bridget Kilkenny, always called Bibby, from Augharan, Aughavas lived with us in London. She was a truly devout person. There was a time when numerous assaults and muggings were being reported where we lived, but she had an answer to this problem. She came to my mother and told her that when she was walking the streets, that she would be just fine if she kept reciting the “Hail Mary”. Having advised her of this she went down the corridor and the four stairs to the kichen, but immediately turned on her heel, came back to the living room, opened the door a chink and said: “and bring a police whistle”!
13
Jan
There is a natural desire to know what happens to us after we die yet no solely human being made of flesh and blood has come back from the dead to tell us what life after death is like. One way of trying to explain this to children was put in the following way. Caddis fly larvae, called nymphs, live at the bottom of ponds. When they are mature and strong enough they climb up a reed in order to leave the water and go into the air above. Sometimes they tell the others that they will come back and explain what it is like in the air above the water. None of them ever return. It is their metamorphosis into air-breathers that of course prevents this however much they would like to return to the pond and extol the beautiful life of flight and fancy that is waiting up above.
31
Mar
A mother and her son were having supper together. When it was time for the pudding (some prunes and cream); the boy refused to eat the prunes. The mother told the boy that he must eat his pudding but he refused. She then tried to coerce him without success.
Now she started to feel cross and said: “If you don’t eat your prunes I am going to get very angry with you”. That had no effect.
Then she said: “If you don’t eat your prunes then your father will be very angry with you when he gets home”. That had no effect either.
Then she said: “If you don’t eat your prunes God will be very angry with you and you can go off to bed right now”. As before, he refused to eat his pudding and so was packed off to bed.
The mother finished supper and went to do the washing-up. A big thunderstorm started-up outside and suddenly she thought to herself that she had been too harsh and that her son would be terrified by the thunder and lightning since she has told him how God would be angry with him.
She rushed upstairs and into his bedroom, where the boy lay. He looked up and calmly, simply said; “What a lot of fuss over five prunes”.
4
Feb
Some good few years ago, a couple, discerning a need, set up a fish shop in Cavan, the county town of County Cavan in Ireland.
Well it was a resounding success. People hadn’t realised that if you could get nice fresh fish of all sorts of varieties in this area, some distance from the sea, that they would buy lots of it.
In under a month they closed down. Wondering just why (and suspecting that probably there had been problems with getting adequate supplies) a friend asked them “Why on earth have you closed your lovely shop”?
The husband sighed and said “Ah! you just couldn’t stand it or believe it. There was people coming in here morning, noon and night bothering us for fish“!
4
Feb
A laird was out walking over his boundless highland estate when he encountered a tramp on his travels. He was most annoyed by this and said to the tramp “What do you think you are doing here? Get off my land immediately”.
The tramp sighed, gathered his few bits and pieces together and began to head off. After a few paces he stopped, turned and said “I’m sorry I didn’t know it was your land. But would you tell me how it came to be your land”?
“Be off with you; that’s none of your business” replied the laird.
“Please humour me” said the tramp “and let me know how it came to be yours”?
The laird then said “Well alright then; I got it from my father. Now be off with you.”
“Ah I see” said the tramp “and how then did he come by it”?
“Well he got it from his father replied the laird”.
This went on for a while, repetitively, till the laird, somewhat irked, said “Well he fought some man for it”?
“Right”, said the tramp; rolling up his sleeves!
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